_ Taurus
Minor Planet Flora is parked next to the Crab Nebula on the 8th, with minor planet Amphitite damn near colliding with Beta Tauri on the 27th. Don't order Lobster or Mud Crab this month without a green salad, or you will throw up for three weeks.
` Gemini
Mars crosses Gemini in March and gets occulted by the Moon on the 12th. Comet 46P Wirtanen brushes Theta Geminorum on the 13th, while, having given Taurus the flick, minor planet Flora passes M35. If in the military, your chances of being rubbed out from April 12 are high, so report in sick to the medical officer - having wiped your face and nether regions with poison ivy, learnt the symptoms of Fowl Plague, Swine Fever and Bubonic Plague and feign all three.
a Cancer
Apart from two clapped out communications satellites being in conjunction on the 10th, Cancer is dead boring as are most born under its sign. Fake a birth certificate and get yourself a better sign - ANY other sign will do, even Doradus.
b Leo
It's all happening. Saturn spends the month snuggling up to Regulus which gets occulted by the Moon on the 15th. You will run rings around your competition, whether on the job or in affairs of the heart, but watch out for uppity bosses or jealous boyfriends in the latter part of the month. If both are combined in the one person you are in deep doodoo.
c Virgo
Lots of small stuff happening. Minor Planets 7 Iris, 5 Astraea and Melpomene prance about, while comet C/2007 B2 Skiff zips by. If a male, you will have three female admirers competing for you, if you are female, the three witches you hate most will cramp your style. Endure until May.
d Libra
Apart from the Moon close to Perigee, nothing happens in your sign. In fact, deep sleep therapy could be the most exciting thing which could happen in your dull little lives – that, or reading the Wit and Wisdom of Attila the Hun in the original Mongolian.
e Scorpius
Something is happening at last. Antares gets occulted by the Moon on the 27th and this clearly means that your brightest talent may not be seen to advantage this April.
If you are devastatingly handsome, witty, or filthy rich, no one may notice - unless of course you are all three, in which case users, gold-diggers, and Hollywood producers looking for reserve script writers may take note of you. Enjoy the ride.
z Ophiuchus
On April 4, Minor Planet 3 Juno is 1.1 degrees NW of star Nu Ophiuchi. Not much, I admit, but it sure beats two other signs for excitement this month. But consider - Juno was the wife of Jupiter and a moody one at that.
With her governing your sign you may get so lucky with Miss Perfect this April that being shot by an outraged boyfriend may be worth it.
If you are a woman prepare to run should Miss Ambivalent Perfect come looking for you.
f Sagittarius
With Jupiter, King of the Gods, hurler of thunderbolts, and sex symbol to the Olympians in your sign, you Sagittarians have it all going for you, with even minor planet Massalia there to lend a hand while Thetis and Fortuna get occulted.
You will be charming, desirable and utterly libido-stoking to the opposite sex, those who are ambivalent and particularly to stray dogs on heat so watch for anything fastening itself on to your lower leg. Enjoy April.
g Capricorn
You have Neptune in your sign this month and maybe for the rest of your life, with it being occulted by the Moon on April 2.
Reconsider that cruise, ferry-ride or soak in a hot tub, as the chance of you being struck by an asteroid while doing so is high until May. Wear a safety helmet.
h Aquarius
You cool and sophisticated Aquarians have Uranus in your sign near to Pisces. If swimming on the Barrier Reef this month, resist any urge to ride on a Tiger Shark's back as it could get you in the end. You would be safer cuddling a friendly Sting Ray instead - if there is such a beast.
i Pisces
With Neptune next door it may end up in your sign any decade now but not this month. In fact, apart from meteors in the descending node and the Moon wandering through – eventually - there's nothing at all to disturb Pisces. Hibernate for a month and see if anybody notices.