In the previous issue of Alternate Universe, reports were presented on exciting research by Dr Rube Goldberg of the Nevada Polytechnic Institute in Las Vegas concerning evidence for that city being used as an entry point for alien visitations to planet Earth.
Dr Goldberg now says he has amassed evidence that entry is always effected after dark and in the close vicinity of “The Strip”. He says that most visitors to the city expect to be confronted by weird sights in and around the city, and would be disappointed if they were not, and that in consequence even the most imperfectly disguised alien could expect to be totally disregarded by all but the most perceptive observer.
The fact that so many Americans are considerably overweight helps greatly as this allows for the use of masses of padding to cover tentacles or other spare limbs and any mechanical prosthetics required to assist the locomotion of entities from low gravity planets, while for aliens who look almost human, Elvis look-alike costumes and hair pieces are an effective means of getting one's self ignored.
Robotic or android type beings, he concludes, have the ability to rearrange their external appearances to look like poker machines or any other mechanical device.
Dr Goldberg has inspected all the casinos to see if any stand out as being the focal point of entry and has concluded that no individual building stands out in this regard.
He thinks instead that there are multiple entry points in hotel rooms, and that alien engineers have been covertly working at turning walk-in wardrobes and closets into walk out-ones as well, when some wormhole or gate in the space-time continuum is activated at the rear of the structure.
He has had numerous reliable reports of certain former Wall Street bankers and investment advisors being last seen in Vegas walking into closets and pushing wheelbarrows full of money ahead of them and then vanishing.
He is still trying to work out both the scale of, and purpose for, mass incoming visitations, however he has several theories including the following:
He wonders if some of these have wreaked havoc on Wall Street as part of some half-baked economics experiment, while the present state of the Religious Right – the Bananas Republicans faction – strongly hints at possible alien infiltration.
The late Bernard Shaw had always considered that planet Earth was a lunatic asylum used by the other planets and that UFO sightings were really spacecraft carrying loads of newly arriving inmates. The present state of both US politics and financial institutions could be powerful evidence of this.
However, Dr Goldberg admits that he is still baffled by the apparent ability of aliens to fly between the stars in spacecraft which appear to be partly made of aluminium foil, balsa and duct tape.
He has spoken about this to several prominent UFO experts when they have been out on day release from their respective institutions and has found that although they could offer no scientific rationale for such construction standards they were unworried by the potential contradictory implications.
He concludes that to be a genuine UFO guru the ability to totally disregard the bleeding obvious any time it proves to have become inconvenient is as much a necessary character trait as it is for merchant bankers, Wall Street tycoons and Senators.
Side trips were made by Dr Goldberg both to Area 51 and to West Texas, armed with his trusty Schmidt Cassegrain telescope, where in Texas he says he observed the usual licence plates under most of the Marfa Lights, while Area 51 was unfortunately always so brightly lit at night by the headlights of would-be abductees or those who had fixations about anal probing (usually the same people) that he was not able to see anything at all in the sky.
He now believes that he will need to charter a private aircraft to fly over both Area 51 and the Marfa Lights.
First, however, he plans to visit both Wall Street and Washington DC to look for evidence of alien machinations.