_ Taurus
Mercury, the speedy winged messenger, zips into your sign this month to shake you out of your usual torpor. Get into gear and tackle those put-aside projects – house cleaning, gardening, building a better mouse trap, finishing building that 32” Dobsonian and so on... Going at it like a typical bull on Red Bull, you will of course wear yourself out but can go back into your normal state of semi-hibernation during May.
` Gemini
Lots of trivia in your sign this month. On the 4th, Comet 144P/Kushida nears Lambda Geminorum while on the 20th, Minor Planet 40 Harmonia nears Kappa Geminorum, while Comet C/2007 N3 (Lulin) is in Gemini the whole month. All this would confuse other astrologers but not me – at least no more than usual.
Spend an evening in a Japanese restaurant listening to harmonious music (unlikely to be Japanese music) and you will have a tale to tell next morning, most likely about a hangover from too much Sake.
a Cancer
Nothing would be happening in your sign this month except that a choice conglomeration of space junk from the recent collision between US and Russian satellites moves through on the 10th.
You will get much junk mail from the US offering cheap Viagra, physical enhancement and doctorates from Universities no one has ever heard of, while the Russians will offer you lusty mail-order brides with a severe case of the hots for your bank account.
Try to introduce them to each other, but not to your bank account.
b Leo
Owing to precession, the Puppid meteor shower will radiate from Regulus mid-month - a rare event this is indeed.
The noble King of the Beasts will rain golden showers on those born under his sign, so look for a lottery win this month, and if you REALLY want to win, try actually buying a ticket for a change – it will actually improve your chances.
c Virgo
Minor Planets Flora and Irene are in Virgo, with Minor Planet Doris near the border with Libra.
If you are a male, three ex-girlfriends will be hanging about all month trying to get your undivided attention and a second chance, while if you are a female, you will likely be one of those three ex-girlfriends who had already received their redundancy notices - Tough luck!
d Libra
Well balanced Librans love their well balanced lives so will welcome the fact that nothing much happens this month except for the Moon staggering through, and bits of the Oort Cloud moving into the descending node.
Confine yourselves to howling at the Full Moon on the 10th but be careful to shave off any surplus body hair that may have sprouted overnight before appearing in public the next day.
e Scorpio
Antares gets occulted by the Moon on the unlucky 13th so any under this sign who value their image should stay home that day and watch old movies on TV, or do a few dozen crossword puzzles so their adoring fans do not see them in public looking less than their best.
Shine forth again with your usual brilliance, charisma etc. on the 14th and the world is yours again.
z Ophiuchus
Nothing much happening in your sign this month except for the Moon swanning through, which is fine for those lesser astrologers who either have not heard of the sign or who don't give you oppressed Ophiuchans a fair go.
Make your own stuff happen this month - go on a moonlight cruise, learn to play Clare de Lune on the harpsichord, but do NOT moon any passing police cars this month.
f Sagittarius
Stuff all happening for you lot. Pluto is in your sign this month - and next month, and damn near the rest of your boring lives as he does not move about much, and although the IAU has given him the flick, we still love the gloomy old sod.
To top it off Comet 22/P (Kopff) moves through en-route to Capricorn. This tells me that anybody named Gary, whatever his star sign, will move through the month at his usual stately pace and always arrive precisely on schedule at his appointed destinations.
g Capricorn
Jupiter, King of the Gods and playboy to the Olympians is in your sign this month along with Neptune, God of the Sea and Earthquakes, while Comet 22/P (Kopff) moves in during the latter part of the month.
A heady mix. If you go on that cruise your ship will likely experience an earthquake or two, while the good news is that if it passes through the tail of Comet 22/P (Kopff) its navigation systems will likely get a significant upgrade.
h Aquarius
After Mars moves out early in the month your dim collection of stars are enhanced only by Minor Planets 20 Massalia and 18 Melpomene. However, getting shot of the God of War is worth it as you can now safely fight the desperate housewives through the succession of Easter sales, except of course in Middle East bazaars, as Mars has only moved to the adjacent star sign so don't push your luck too far.
i Pisces
You dull fish have it all happening for a change. Mid-month, Mars and Venus hang about the asterism known as the circlet of Pisces and get joined there on the 23rd by a slender crescent moon, with Uranus getting close to Mars on the 16th. Any of you Pisces crowd who fall in love in a war zone this month could get it in the end, so find a deep bunker and stay there with a pile of Barbara Cartland novels until May Day.