The End of The Ice-Age: Global Warming

The Earth is currently enjoying an interglacial period, having slowly emerged from the ice age over a period of around 30,000 years. Recently, Dr John Watson of the Department of Elementary Science, the Holmes Building in the University of Sydney, demonstrated how this came about through a combination of factors.

The Astronomical trigger for this was the position of the Oort Cloud - millions of icy comets in orbit past the orbit of Pluto.

Flash photographs taken by Baron Beavis von Buttköpf in his search for dark matter had revealed reflections off many of these comets, and when studied by computer analysis at the University of Burgerweldt, revealed that the comet stream was in a highly elliptical orbit and commenced moving further away from the Earth some 30,000 years ago. Thus, the chill factor from these comets started to be significantly reduced, so far as Earth was concerned.

Important factors on Earth contributed strongly. Heavy burning off of rainforests in Asia and South America, together with burning off of the formerly predominant conifers on the Australian continent increases emissions of greenhouse gases, trapping solar heat. Perhaps the greatest influence stemmed from that unknown genius who by selective breeding turned rangy and fast running Miocene and tertiary wild cattle into slow, contented domestic cattle. The latter, outgas to a considerable extent, and even today, farting cattle emit a greater quantity of greenhouse gases than all human industrial and motoring activity combined.

The University is concerned that well-meaning but unscientific attempts to stop greenhouse gas emissions may trigger off a new ice age, and suspects this may be evidence for the theory that much of the conservation movement may well be a front for certain oil, gas and energy companies for whom a new ice age would reap a financial bonanza by expanding the demand for home heating.

The University agriculture faculty is currently testing the outgassing propensity of various breeds of cattle, while the Department of Organic Chemistry is exploring the gas-producing properties of different proprietary cattle feed and natural grasses. It is considered that careful management of the right mix of cattle and feed, scientifically managed, can keep the Earth’s global temperature in stasis without recourse to politically correct if meaningless, conservationist stunts.

For fine tuning, the University considers that Government subsidised onions for fast-food outlets can be used to meet short-term problems - drought etc…