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"Big-Bang Theory Exposed As Hoax" - Dipso Maniak, K.B., D.A.

For the last year, I have been working in close collaboration with Baron Beavis von Buttköpf at his new observatory near Schloss Rattzhärz in the Bavarian Alps. The Baron recently installed a new telescope featuring a segmented fly's-eye multiple-mirror with an overall diameter of 32 metres. Each segment is a flat hexagon of polished plate glass, 2 metres in diameter, and 8mm thick, bent to the appropriate paraboloidal figure by a complex system of hydraulic jacks and suction pads controlled by a Local-Area Network (LAN) of fifty Commodore 64 computers.

The telescope is similar to the New Generation Telescope at Siding Spring Observatory, the computer driven alt-azimuth mount being based on a turntable modified from a disused roundabout.

Working on Einstein's General Theory of Relativity, in which light and space curves back upon itself, the Baron realised that if there had actually been a Big Bang at the start of the Universe as we know it, with light curving back in a circle, and plenty of intervening galaxy clusters, black holes and quasars to assist with gravitational lensing, at least in a few places in the sky the Big Bang should be seen going off.

Over the past year, the Baron and I have searched the whole of the northern sky without success, and tentatively plan to move the telescope on a portable mount to the Western (upper) Observing Field at Wiruna for the 2002 South Pacific Star Party to commence a search of the southern sky.

Meanwhile, we have examined the faulty physics on which the Big Bang Theory was based, and consider there is sufficient evidence to revive the Steady State Theory - i.e. the continuous creation of matter.

In Einstein’s day, few atomic particles were recognised. Since then, they have been discovered by the score - Quarks, Leptons, Vogons etc. Clearly the universe is a seething soup of sub-atomic matter not detectable by astronomers until, by some as yet undetermined mating mechanism, some of these particles get together to produce matter as we know it - apparently popping out of empty space. This elegantly accounts for the missing mass of the Universe, and the Red Shift. Light is being slowed down, pushing its way through this stuff, while the so called blue shift is light getting gravitational assistance by the slingshot method of acceleration - a close fly-by of a dense field of sub-atomic particles.

The Baron offers proof in an elegant and public way. By his calculation, the sound of the Big Bang should have been echoing around the Universe these past billions of years, and although sound does not travel in a vacuum, with the accepted density of interstellar space being one atom per cubic centimetre, a Bang as great as the Big one should have been propagated through such density at 99.2% of the speed of light, the sound wave being composed of super compressed photo-neutrinos. Should there have been a Big Bang, he predicts that the sound should be heard on planet Earth at 14:20pm UT on April 2, 2001. Should the sound not be heard, the Baron maintains that his theory is thus vindicated.