Without my wise counsel, these lost souls would be left adrift in a sea of despair and indecision.
Heartrending stories pour in with my fan mail from the emotionally deprived – those poor souls who lack a constellation of their own even though they know they richly deserve one.
The Sun, moon, and planets plough through Ophiuchus, bits of Orion, the Pleiades, and Canis Minor at times of the year that they know damn well coincides with their birthdays and all they get is tacked on to the nearest traditional old hack constellation that has been around for a few thousand years.
In my view I am the only professional astrologer with a deep appreciation of astronomy, precession, and the fact that the whole bleeding lot have moved one rung since the designations were first assigned.
I have to take this into account in my careful and thoughtful forecasts, unlike my competitors, most of whom have never been out of big cities nor seen stars fainter than second magnitude, nor able to identify a constellation even had they the good luck to ever see one, so I have decided to take unilateral action to rectify the situation.
I also have serious doubts as to the accuracy of many reported birth dates, as for example I know of many politicians who claim to be Leos and noble as a lion but who need a special constellation assigned to them.
Consequently, I have determined that many professions have in cosmic fashion removed themselves from their assigned constellations into entirely new territory and need mobile constellations to cater to their needs.
To all politicians, I assign the star sign of Crotalus (the Rattlesnake), in the act of biting it’s tail, made up of all notional objects in the Oort cloud along the whole length of the Zodiac as this constellation suits people who do their best work in the dark away from prying eyes and more accurately reflects their inherent, innate and acquired characteristics.
As few in the acting profession really manage owing to the demands of their profession to stay within the ambit of Virgo they will have their own sign known as the meteor, made up of all meteors and fireballs as befit brilliant careers that can often vanish without trace.
And the oppressed Orionans, Opiuchans, Canis Minorans and Pleiadeans shall in future have their very own star signs, and as soon as I get around to it, maybe even as early as next year, have their own lot of forecasts to fret about.