As all accredited astrologers know, this means you are woolly minded but cuddly until the shearing season. Try to restrict your decisions to whom you should cuddle until then - though New Zealanders be warned that there are different laws in Oz.
_ Taurus
Mars is in Taurus early in the month, parked between Zeta and Beta, and then wanders off to Gemini. This clearly means that any Taureans driving brewery wagons in Iraq this month had better be very careful to never park between an Abrams tank and a car bomb, without a valid parking permit and comprehensive life insurance, of course.
` Gemini
Taurus gets rid of Mars and flicks it to you later in the month to join minor planet 3-Juno, consort of the God Jupiter, top dog on Mount Olympus and a jealous bastard at that.
Geminis be warned - no hanky panky with the boss's wife, or hot pants secretary this month or war will be declared followed by unfair dismissal.
a Cancer
Saturn is in Cancer and for quite a while. Gloomy old goat, he was one of the geriatric Gods and not much help to you hard shelled crabs who will have to do intelligent tasks, like the Herald crossword puzzle, reading the Principia in the original Latin, or computing the value of pi () to 15 million decimal places to keep from going prematurely gaga. If this is beyond you, as most cancers are already well on the way, you may not be noticed.
b Leo
You noble, regal Leos will be heartened by minor planet 40-Harmonia in your sign this month, meaning you are in complete harmony with a stable government and stable Universe.
Our beloved Prime Minister John Howard is a Leo and nobly intends to not desert his post as Prime Minister until the job in Iraq is done, which means he will witness the next apparition of Halley's comet as Prime Minister.
c Virgo
Minor Planets 230-Athamantis and 30-Urania are in Virgo, while Jupiter is hanging about in the general direction of Libra.
Horny old God that he was, ravishing virgins in his various guises was his speciality, so female Virgos had better regard all propositions from attractive strangers with suspicion.
Keep a pepper spray or small cattle prod in your handbag and use it readily, or wear a badge proclaiming you carry the H5N1 virus.
d Libra
Jupiter is in your sign but leering at Virgo, so well balanced Librans should find their virtue to be not at risk. This may upset unbalanced Librans who usually find their virtue to be totally expendable and get uptight if nobody gives a damn, so burn your bra, or wear it outside your T-shirt, which should grab attention - particularly if you are male.
e Scorpius
Antares gets occulted this month, but this is not visible in Oz, so your personal star will shine brightly, helped by nicking that comet from Ophiuchus. In fact the brute bounces off the Trifid and M21 and M22. Result is that you shine, but bounce around like a hula dancer on a trampoline so do try to keep a sense of direction, avoid bumping people on public transport or being accused of sexual harassment - more often than usual, that is.
z Ophiuchus
Comet 71P-Clark is in your sign for a while before nicking off, so at least the solar system is paying you oppressed Ophiuchans SOME attention, which is more than most dumb astrologers do.
Flaunt yourself out socially any evening you can manage, and shimmy and shake that tail like a comet on heat and you will be the life of the party / pub crawl / group therapy session.
f Sagittarius
Having just flirted with Ophiuchus and Scorpio, that damned comet Clark invades your sign, which is your thrill of the month.
Having your luck determined by a used comet is a bummer, but it does mean that you draw on the experience of two lesser signs and as a result your usual wisdom, sagacity, and tendency to be a boring old fart will be mega enhanced. Bore away.
g Capricornus
It's all happening in your sign. God of the sea, Neptune is parked there (damn near forever) while Comet Linear is also there.
Keep the 19th free as minor Planet Ceres, Goddess of the harvest moves in. This clearly means that Capricornians who make a buck harvesting seaweed are in for a bumper crop on the 19th, particularly if they work by the light of the comet. Fortune is yours.
h Aquarius
Uranus, God of Dementia is in your sign and has been for a lifetime or two. This could be serious except that Aquarians are wise, gifted and artistic enough to shrug off such baleful influences.
Also helped by the fact that as the creative, artistic and musical aquarians generally aren't playing with a full deck anyhow, their generally rigid weirdness totally defies enhancement.
i Pisces
SFA happening in your sign this month unless a stray Puppid passes by, so Virgin Airways has been asked to route a few economy flights through on April 1st to give you a lift and a sense of being at peace with the Zodiac.
Generally this means you cold fish are keeping yourselves in your usual state of walking hibernation, undisturbed during April except by travel type experiences, so visit SPSP, or live it up.
Dine out at KFC, Burger King, or McDonalds, or if you are one of those rare Pisces with a devilish sense of adventure, ALL THREE in the one month.