_ Taurus
After having spent the first week in Aries a somewhat raddled Venus staggers into your sign and cavorts with the Seven Sisters, being also joined in Taurus by minor planet Iris and comet P/2001 Q2 (Petriew). Clearly Taureans of heightened libido will get their chance this month, wag their tails like a minor comet and find their virtue assaulted by hordes of admiring females, and then wake up and find it was all a dream.
` Gemini
Your sign hosts minor planets 44 Nysa and 115 Thyra this month - about as exciting as Gemini ever gets, so expect two major events in your dull lives. Maybe your bus will turn up on time one day or you will win twenty bucks in the state lottery. Await events with breathless anticipation.
a Cancer
Minor planet 20 Massalia stirs up the Beehive cluster on 14 April, so expect some small event to stoke a disproportionate reaction from the host of demons you normally work hard to keep at bay - your boss, ex-girlfriends, demanding landlords or the highway patrol. Play safe on the morning of 14 April - reset your alarm clock and go back to sleep until 15 April, but lock your bedroom door to ensure none of the above sneaks into your bed while you are asleep - particularly the highway patrol.
b Leo
The occultation of your brightest star, Regulus, by the moon on 26 April puts your major asset at great risk this month. Have your car fully serviced, reduce fire hazards around your house, and try to insure your good looks. Use your charm and charisma sparingly so you don't go into overload and try a month of celibacy.
c Virgo
Two bright minor planets 3 Juno and 28 Bellona reach opposition in Virgo this month, both on 10 April. Have valium on toast for breakfast on that date as it should be a more exciting day than virtuous Virgos are used to, with two stellar events occurring in synch. You may get both that promotion and the sultry secretary you have been secretly lusting after, or somebody you particularly hate may break both legs. Enjoy.
d Libra
Well balanced Librans don't usually bother with valium on toast as nobody who knows them would notice any difference. Typical of Libra this month, nothing worth a damn is happening in there, so make things happen to yourself. Try Prozac, Irish coffee, Red Bull, or all three at the same time and enter a line-dancing contest - You will get noticed.
e Scorpius
Antares gets occulted by the moon on 7 April, so if you are an army guy planning to go AWOL, that is your day of choice. You won't get caught and beaten up by the military police until 8 April so you have a whole day of freedom and fun ahead of you. If you are not in the army but just hopelessly married, have your night out with the guys that night - You won't feel a thing until the morning.
z Ophiuchus
There, we thought of you again - And so does Jupiter, King of the Gods, who spends time in your sign and does his retrograde motion this month. This clearly means that your ass-kicking boss may mellow, and invite you out to dinner.
Again, it might mean that your caring and understanding boss will suddenly turn feral and bite your hand off. Assess your boss and watch with care. Take a baseball bat to work.
f Sagittarius
Minor planets 192 Nausikaa and 9 Metis strut their stuff in your sign this month which is reason enough for Sagittarians to celebrate.
Nausikaa, daughter of King Alcinous developed a case of the hots for Odysseus when she found him washed ashore on the beach while she was doing the laundry, while the Metis are a Canadian Indian tribe, so this conjunction is clearly of great significance - go swimming in Canada and you will find romance on the beach, and being Canada, a touch of frostbite in the nether regions.
g Capricornus
Be warned you latent goatherds - stay away from war zones or PMT for those three days Mars spends in your sign but keep an eye on minor planet 115 Thyra (ancient queen of Denmark) and Neptune who are waltzing together through Capricorn as, if you have a cruise booked during April, elderly nymphomaniacs will lust hotly after your body. Invest in a chastity belt.
h Aquarius
Aquarians beware. Mars spends most of the month in your sign, just south of Uranus. Reconsider those thoughts about joining the army as you will likely get it in the end. For those already in the military, try Kevlar underpants with a hubcap sewn into the seat. The rest of your body should have a good month.
i Pisces
Apart from the moon wandering through, Pisces should be serene this month, though a burst of Lyrid meteors is expected to invade your space on 22 April and this is heady stuff for the cool dudes born under this sign. Earmark that date for your night on the town, marriage proposals or serious drinking but spend the rest of the month in your usual vegetative state.